[FADE FROM BLACK TO REVEAL A SMALL BLOCK OF LINOLEUM, RESTING ON A VELVET PILLOW ATOP A PEDASTAL]
BLOCK: Tonight we talk to diaryist ordianaire, Michael Derr, here on “IT’S SALSA!”
[SHOW TITLES APPEAR SUPERIMPOSED OVER IMAGES OF VARIOUS CHEESES, READING "MODERN CHEESE"]
[CUT TO BLOCK, IN AN ARMCHAIR ACROSS FROM A SOFA]
[THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]
BLOCK: Thank you, thank you. Today we have the inventor of the electric toothpick, the chocolate covered alarm clock and owner of over 1,400 deep fried waffle kiosks, Michael Derr!
[APPLAUSE. MICHAEL CLAMBERS OUT OF A CRACK IN THE SOFA. ONLY NOW DOES IT BECOME APPARENT THAT THE SOFA IS A GOOD 200 FEET IN LENGTH]
MICHAEL: (small, yelling) Hello, Block!
B: Welcome to the show!
M: (still yelling) Thank you, good to be here!
B: So, tell us a little about your most recent book.
M: (puzzled, yelling) No, I’m not a real author, I just post the occasional blurb on a website no one ever reads!
B: (disappointed) Oh. Okay, then. Well. Thanks for coming on!
M: But–
[MICHAEL IS INTERRUPTED WHEN A GIGANTIC VACUUM CLEANER SUCKS HIM OFF THE COUCH LIKE A PIECE OF LINT]
[THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]
B: If you’d like to know more about Michael or simply have nothing better to do, you can read more directly below this sentence.
Who the hell are you? My name is Michael, one of the two offspring of Emily and Lewis Derr.
Who’s the other? My brother, Thomas.
How long have you been around? I’ve been on this planet for 29 years, 8 months and 3 days as of this writing. I’ve been keeping an online diary of sorts since 2000 or so.
What was the best video game of 1993? At the time, I probably would’ve said Super Street Fighter II Turbo for the SNES, but now I think it may have been Shadowrun for the SNES.
You play a lot of videogames, eh? Yeah… I even built a MAME cabinet back in the day.
So, what do you do? Mostly, metabolize. I’m high-maintenance.
Fine. Are you employed? I am.
And…? I am a systems analyst for Sterling Jewelers, in Akron, Ohio.
You no longer work for OSU! So, assuming that you don’t live a mile from work anymore, how do you get to work? Either I ride a black Vespa GT or I drive a black smartcar.
Oh, that’s new! Yeah, I was trying to slip it in there, but you noticed anyhow.
What’s your diabolical secret? I abuse every variation of flickering-invincibility possible. I also habitually hit-take to get a throw move off.
What’s the deal with your url? Your handle? The url, bigamericanparty, was nabbed after seeing an episode of the animated Clerks television show, in which a civil suit is levelled against Dante Hicks. When the final scene of the animation is lost, and subsequently finished by the Korean animators, the jury finds in favor of BIG AMERICAN PARTY!!! I then used said url to shamelessly promote healthy spoofing of the government and “the war on terror”. It has been nothing but a repository for my blog for a few years now.
As for my handle, “ewige” (pronounced Ay Vi Guh), it was the first name of a fictional character, whose name translated from bavarian as “eternal flower power”. It became my ironic handle when QuakeWorld became the big thing, and it has stuck since.
This thing keeps getting longer, eh? Yes, I plan to keep adding to it as I see fit.
How about some basic stats? I’m male, married, 6’1″, vegetarian, atheist. My blood type is A positive.
And how old would you say you are as of now? 32 years, 7 months, 18 days. Ish.
Why not just give your date of birth? Or write a script to make the above date correct any time the page is accessed? Because the first sounds like a bad idea and and the second sounds like too much work right now.